A Letter to the American Consumer

Dear Consumer,

David Benatar recently published a book arguing that the optimal population of the earth is zero. Needless to say, we in the meat industry have been working as hard as we can to bring this goal to fruition.

With your help, the meat industry is now responsible for the majority of the world's pollution, as well as tens of thousands of deaths from disease. While these statistics are impressive, we are not content to rest on our laurels. Here are some things we're looking forward to in the coming year:

  • It's well established that eating meat causes you to die earlier. But recent research is revealing the impact of the "third wave" of bacteria which are antibiotic-resistant. These resistant bacteria account for no less than 19,000 deaths and seven million doctor visits per year - that's more than one in every fifty Americans getting sick from our products each and every year!
  • With the deaths of thousands of fish as a result of oil spills in the Gulf, some people have begun to question the meat industry's effectiveness at killing vast quantities of wildlife. We would like to point out that our practice of dumping untreated sewage into America's waterways is long established, and we are working hard to expand our sewage amounts in places like Chesapeake bay.
  • Since the glory days of Upton Sinclair, the government has repeatedly tried to enforce safety measures on meat workers. We are excited to announce that our untiring exploitation of workers and rabid union oppression has led Human Rights Watch to declare meatpacking to be the most dangerous job in America.
  • Despite the phrase "Free range meat" not being regulated, many people have suggested moving to free-range meat as a way to help the environment. Thankfully, recent research has demonstrated that free range or "grass fed" meat is in fact worse for the environment, ensuring that even "ethical consumers" will do their part to destroy the world.
  • The best way to ensure that people don't live is to ensure that they don't have food. The often-overlooked fact that eating meat takes food from the poor is one of the best reasons to avoid vegetables.

None of this could be possible without you, the consumer, buying our products. We know that you have a choice in unethical purchases, and we want to express our thanks for sticking with us. With your help, we can make 2011 the last year ever.

Sincerely,

Your friends in the meat industry

Because your desire for meat is more important than everyone else's right to life.

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